Hey there!!
So, this is my last Blogger-hosted post, as I've moved now to WordPress. My husband wanted to start a blog as well, and I did a little research and found that WordPress is a better option. I then theorized that if he was on WordPress, but I stayed on Blogger, then I wouldn't be able to help him if he got stuck on something. So, I packed up my posts, and moved on to WordPress!
I'll be changing my site information on all my social media accounts, and I'll keep Blogger active for a little while in case people still come by, or use an older link.
Update your bookmarks, and find my NEW posts at my NEW site for the NEW Year! (Sorry, I guess that wasn't entirely subtle...):
awakenedaliveawesome.wordpress.com
Thanks for visiting!
Armed with sarcasm, a love of music, and decent skills in the kitchen, this Nerdy Girl is about to embark on her greatest adventure yet - living life.
Friday, January 01, 2016
Sunday, December 13, 2015
A Letter From My Blanket Fort
I'm sitting here, trying to think of what to write, and I'm entirely lost. I don't really have any groundbreaking realizations to share, nor do I have any interesting stories to share. I guess maybe I'll give a synopsis of the past few weeks (seeing as all my previous post haven't been "live" - this is the first one that will be written within the same week it's posted).
I've lost nearly 10 pounds since I started, so that's a definite positive, especially considering at times I'm not giving 100% of an effort. That's not me giving up or not caring - I'm still determined and (usually) motivated - I sometimes come home on a Friday night, and just...no. Everyone shut up, I'm home, I survived another week, so I am eating this. At least I can tell that my thinking towards food is changing - if I get lazy with my tracking, I'll try and estimate as best as I can, and start to use body cues to see if I'm really hungry or just bored/emotional, etc. I also will sometimes go a little overboard with things, but I'll usually feel like crap if I go too far, so it's like a reinforcement of why not going crazy with the cheese is in my best interest. Baby steps towards eating to live, not living to eat!
I'm not entirely comfortable (yet...) baring my soul on my blog, but I feel giving a little glimpse of it might help ...who? Maybe me, maybe you if you're following this. I guess being a bit more personally open will inform the last few weeks.
This has not been a great year, for many reasons. I'm still shocked that one day my mind, body, and soul got motivated enough to put this Weight-Loss Adventure in motion. Doing something for myself seemed pretty far-fetched, but here I am.
2015 has gotten, in my mind, steadily worse, and 2016 does not look promising at this point either. While some moments were bright spots, overall it's been exceedingly stressful, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I have no control over anything anymore, I'm just a leaf in a river that's being hurtled towards a raging waterfall.
I won't lie, a week ago my effort with this Weight-Loss Adventure was probably about 30%. I was still prepping my breakfast and lunch each day, but if I decided to eat something extra, I just didn't care. A lot of this - probably most, actually - stemmed from extreme stress about my work. By and large, my job should not be stressful on a daily basis - I'm pretty fortunate that way. However, I'll be honest - there are people at my job that stress me out so badly that I sometimes lay in bed in the morning and say, "Why bother?" Defeatist, yes, but I've never had to deal with these situations...well, people before. I'm a very passive-aggressive person, brought up in a, well, WASP-y environment (which is not me complaining, it's a fact). I have a really hard time expressing myself, or standing up for myself, especially to authority figures or strong personalities. I have a bad habit of letting grievances fester deep within, and eventually they explode because I basically snap over something small - EVERYTHING comes pouring out.
Not only do I feel alone in a metaphorical sense, I'm also alone at work literally in a physical sense. I became close to the Controller there, and she provided a lot of guidance and help in difficult situations for the last 2 years. However, she finally had enough, for many reasons, and gave her notice - her last day was last Friday, and during this week it's felt really different, at least to me.
It's not ALL bad - things are improving a little bit at work, which is nice. Maybe I can get a handle on things before something else happens...
Personally, life has not been wonderful. Jim and I have been together for 7 years, married for just over 3, and it is hard work, people. We're dealing with challenges coming our way as best as we can, but I honestly sometimes wonder why - why is this happening to us? Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and he loves me, and we're going through this as a team, but yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed Jenn usually resorts to food and watching The O.C., curled up on the couch, wallowing in misery.
And, to top it all off, all this stress and negativity has resulted in me just...not really caring that it's my favourite time of year. Normally I am playing Christmas songs 24/7, turning on the Christmas lights, and watching my holiday movies, but this year NONE of that appeals to me. At all.
I really wish I knew where this post was going. I'm torn between scrapping it or saving it to continue later, or try to wrap it up and publish it today.
Publishing today keeps wining out.
I mentioned to Jim how funny it was that I posted last week about how to deal with stress, and all last week I was just a big o' ball of it! I'm sorry this entry is a little heavy and negative (and short), but I felt like I HAD to post it. I explained to Jim this way:
"Lately life has literally been pooping on me everywhere, and I'm standing here going, 'Ok! Fine! If you want to do this, I'll be in my Blanket Fort, waiting for you to finish!' If I don't post this, I'll feel like my Weight-Loss Adventure posts are just done when things are happy and going well, which isn't real life. Sometimes life really sucks, but I'm still trying my best at this."
Maybe that's the take-away this week? I'm putting it out there, in black and white, that yes, my life is somewhat in shambles (at least to me), I'm almost always constantly stressed, and I am finding very few reasons to be truly happy, but I am still trying. I'm not rolling over and just accepting my fate as an overweight and unhealthy person because it's easier - no, damnit! I'm gonna fight for this because I am still worth it and I need to do this!!
To end on a positive note, I received two compliments/encouragements this week when I talked about my Weight-Loss Adventure - one from my Mum, who said she was proud of me for keeping on with it, and another from a friend at work when, after I explained why I was politely refusing treats, gave me a fist pump and said he's trying to quit smoking, so he totally understands saying "No, thank you!" to something I don't need.
As long as I don't give up on this, I know that I will get strong again to not give up on other things in my life.
Still Fighting For What's Worth It,
Jenn
I've lost nearly 10 pounds since I started, so that's a definite positive, especially considering at times I'm not giving 100% of an effort. That's not me giving up or not caring - I'm still determined and (usually) motivated - I sometimes come home on a Friday night, and just...no. Everyone shut up, I'm home, I survived another week, so I am eating this. At least I can tell that my thinking towards food is changing - if I get lazy with my tracking, I'll try and estimate as best as I can, and start to use body cues to see if I'm really hungry or just bored/emotional, etc. I also will sometimes go a little overboard with things, but I'll usually feel like crap if I go too far, so it's like a reinforcement of why not going crazy with the cheese is in my best interest. Baby steps towards eating to live, not living to eat!
I'm not entirely comfortable (yet...) baring my soul on my blog, but I feel giving a little glimpse of it might help ...who? Maybe me, maybe you if you're following this. I guess being a bit more personally open will inform the last few weeks.
This has not been a great year, for many reasons. I'm still shocked that one day my mind, body, and soul got motivated enough to put this Weight-Loss Adventure in motion. Doing something for myself seemed pretty far-fetched, but here I am.
2015 has gotten, in my mind, steadily worse, and 2016 does not look promising at this point either. While some moments were bright spots, overall it's been exceedingly stressful, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I have no control over anything anymore, I'm just a leaf in a river that's being hurtled towards a raging waterfall.
I won't lie, a week ago my effort with this Weight-Loss Adventure was probably about 30%. I was still prepping my breakfast and lunch each day, but if I decided to eat something extra, I just didn't care. A lot of this - probably most, actually - stemmed from extreme stress about my work. By and large, my job should not be stressful on a daily basis - I'm pretty fortunate that way. However, I'll be honest - there are people at my job that stress me out so badly that I sometimes lay in bed in the morning and say, "Why bother?" Defeatist, yes, but I've never had to deal with these situations...well, people before. I'm a very passive-aggressive person, brought up in a, well, WASP-y environment (which is not me complaining, it's a fact). I have a really hard time expressing myself, or standing up for myself, especially to authority figures or strong personalities. I have a bad habit of letting grievances fester deep within, and eventually they explode because I basically snap over something small - EVERYTHING comes pouring out.
 |
| "Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an approprate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. 'member that? When Daddy hit the referee?" |
It's not ALL bad - things are improving a little bit at work, which is nice. Maybe I can get a handle on things before something else happens...
Personally, life has not been wonderful. Jim and I have been together for 7 years, married for just over 3, and it is hard work, people. We're dealing with challenges coming our way as best as we can, but I honestly sometimes wonder why - why is this happening to us? Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and he loves me, and we're going through this as a team, but yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed Jenn usually resorts to food and watching The O.C., curled up on the couch, wallowing in misery.
And, to top it all off, all this stress and negativity has resulted in me just...not really caring that it's my favourite time of year. Normally I am playing Christmas songs 24/7, turning on the Christmas lights, and watching my holiday movies, but this year NONE of that appeals to me. At all.
I really wish I knew where this post was going. I'm torn between scrapping it or saving it to continue later, or try to wrap it up and publish it today.
Publishing today keeps wining out.
I mentioned to Jim how funny it was that I posted last week about how to deal with stress, and all last week I was just a big o' ball of it! I'm sorry this entry is a little heavy and negative (and short), but I felt like I HAD to post it. I explained to Jim this way:
"Lately life has literally been pooping on me everywhere, and I'm standing here going, 'Ok! Fine! If you want to do this, I'll be in my Blanket Fort, waiting for you to finish!' If I don't post this, I'll feel like my Weight-Loss Adventure posts are just done when things are happy and going well, which isn't real life. Sometimes life really sucks, but I'm still trying my best at this."
Maybe that's the take-away this week? I'm putting it out there, in black and white, that yes, my life is somewhat in shambles (at least to me), I'm almost always constantly stressed, and I am finding very few reasons to be truly happy, but I am still trying. I'm not rolling over and just accepting my fate as an overweight and unhealthy person because it's easier - no, damnit! I'm gonna fight for this because I am still worth it and I need to do this!!
To end on a positive note, I received two compliments/encouragements this week when I talked about my Weight-Loss Adventure - one from my Mum, who said she was proud of me for keeping on with it, and another from a friend at work when, after I explained why I was politely refusing treats, gave me a fist pump and said he's trying to quit smoking, so he totally understands saying "No, thank you!" to something I don't need.
As long as I don't give up on this, I know that I will get strong again to not give up on other things in my life.
Still Fighting For What's Worth It,
Jenn
Thursday, December 03, 2015
Origin Story...Sorta...
Alrighty, this should be the last post that I wrote a month ago! Next week I'll start posting weekly updates, probably during the weekend. I hope you've been enjoying this Adventure so far!
====================================
I started writing this post on a Monday when I got super-stressed at work, and felt like I could calm down with a Red Bull and a Coffee Crisp (I was also drowsy, but mostly angry). I stared at my choices, knowing full well what I was doing: Dealing with a problem by eating. I still ate the Coffee Crisp and drank the Red Bull, but I knew that I was going to have to start working on myself to try and find different, healthier ways to deal with stress.
This led my mind down a rabbit hole, finally winding up at “Where did this all start?” I then started writing out my “Origin Story” (neeeerrrd!!!) but after 3 pages and counting in Word, I realized that I maybe lost a bit of focus. So, I’m re-working this post, hopefully I can finally convey my first thought…
I’ve always struggled with my weight. An overall reason for that is that I friggin’ LOVE food. Food is sometimes the only thing I’m looking forward to in a day. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you maintain the thinking of “I eat to live, I don’t live to eat.” I’ve mentioned previously how I’ve done Weight Watchers twice, I’ve worked at Herbal Magic (I didn’t use the products for weight loss, I was already slim so I just had to eat a modified plan from them), and I’ve grown up with “diet,” “low-cal,” and “fat-free” choices readily available while growing up.
Instead of giving a detailed account of my life growing up (which somewhat informs the “Where did this all start?” question, but in a different way – that’ll be another post), I’m going to start at the point where I met my husband, Jim.
I’ve already posted a picture from the night I met Jim (see the hotness here). I’m healthy, happy, and let’s be honest, haaawwwt. So, that’s what we’re working with – that version of Jenn came about after a few ups and downs with weight, one try at Weight Watchers, employment at Herbal Magic, and I’d finally kinda reached a good point.
Since I was working nights and weekends at my work, I didn’t have a lot of time to see Jim, especially since he lived 3 hours away and didn’t have a vehicle. The times that we DID see each other, we wanted to maximize our time and money together, so one of the ways we did that was eating fast food, or anything that was quick and easy.
Since Jim is blessed with that higher metabolism thing that men have compared to women (or whatever) he was able to order things like a Baconator combo, plus another sandwich on top of that. Slowly but surely as time wore on, my orders started to resemble his – not only was I getting a combo meal, I was getting one or two “snack” items off the menus.
It’s at this point that my Adult Life starts to happen – I’ve got a full-time job, a serious boyfriend, and I’m in my mid-twenties. I’m living at home, so I have disposable income, but you start to take things more seriously and think long-term. As in, you start to stress about things you never used to before.
So, I would guess around this point is when food became a major source of comfort – being 3 hours away from my man, personal stresses, and some work stress (oh, man, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone…I miss that place) and gradually my weight started climbing up.
Roughly two years into my relationship with Jim I realized that I needed to do something. I joined Weight Watchers for the second time, and nearly cried as I stepped on the scale and saw my heaviest (at that point) weight displayed. Thank goodness the lady who was signing me up was so kind and patient, reminding me that this is the start of a change, and I’d never be that heavy again.
For a while I was doing pretty well, losing weight safely, sometimes having weeks where I’d gain, but overall I got down I think around 50 pounds. People started noticing, I was getting my confidence back, I figured this would be it.
Jim and I got engaged, and a few months before the wedding I stopped going to Weight Watchers. I wasn’t focused as much on it, and we needed every single penny we could get for the wedding. By the time I walked down the aisle, I had gained back a bit of weight, but looking back now I would give anything to be at that point.
We both did the whole “Newlywed Weight Gain” thing, and kept saying, “Ok, THIS week we get healthy.” Again, had I’d known what was ahead, I would have done a lot more to prevent what was about to happen, or at least get it under control in some way.
I’m trying to think of a way to describe what started the chain reaction, but honestly there is one word that works most perfectly for it: stress. Plain and simple. The honeymoon phase is over, now it’s time to really start working on things. Marriage is not easy. Getting a new job is not easy. Moving is not easy. I had to do all three within a few weeks.
It’s very possible that I fell into something of a depression shortly after the dust settled from the wedding, moving, and starting a new job (which, thankfully, was the same job I was doing in my hometown – my boss knew another boss in my new city who needed someone with my skills, so at least all I had to learn was how to get there, how to use a different system, and the names of my new coworkers). However, I can’t say for certain that it was depression or not, as I never went to a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist.
I’m usually described as a happy person, but I can be really negative or pessimistic, especially if I start to get stressed out. This is the first time I’ve ever not lived under my parents roof, so there’s that feeling of being kind of alone and unsure. I definitely started turning to food as my comfort for when things got rough or stressful. I’d also gorge and binge watch my fave shows if Jim was out for the evening. No regrets – I could (still can…to a point) slam a whole medium pizza, plus one of those pre-made salads from grocery stores, PLUS maybe some kind of dessert, although usually that was something smaller, just a little something sweet to end off my ginormous meal for one.
I would eat until I could barely move off the couch, but I would make sure to hide the evidence from Jim. Our lives started getting busy, but not in an active way – work, social or family commitments, and then we’d get home exhausted and veg in front of the TV.
It kind of feels like one day I woke up and looked down and went, “Ummm, when did my stomach get this big?!?!” I was suddenly very aware that I had gained all the weight back that I’d lost, and then some more.
Begin cycle of self-loathing for getting to this point, and eating more to try and kill that feeling.
That’s basically what led me to this point in my life.
Do I blame anyone else? No. This is all me. Jim has tried his best to help me get motivated to lose weight – not because he doesn’t like what he sees anymore, but because it breaks his heart when I talk negatively about myself and don’t believe that I’m still beautiful to him.
Stress is ALWAYS going to be a part of life, no way around it. The trick is (apparently) to not let it take over and dictate your actions. Or, rather, be an excuse for destructive actions.
So, I’ve been thinking this week about ways to prevent me from just losing my cool and reaching for something sugary or fatty or cheesy or gooey…ok, sorry, I got distracted. Whatever I was talking about sounded delicious…
The first thing I did Tuesday morning while packing my lunch was throw in a chocolate pudding cup. I wasn’t intending on eating it during the day – I was keeping it there in case I had a moment of frustration at work and needed to chill out a bit. All week long there has been a pudding cup in my lunch bag. I haven’t needed to eat it this week.
You’re thinking, “Jenn, that seems counter-productive. You’re trying to think of ways to deal with stress that don’t involve food!”
Right, and in theory it does seem counter-productive. BUT, here’s the thing – those chocolate pudding cups are portion controlled, only a little over 100 calories, about 3 grams of fat, depending on the flavour or brand. That Coffee Crisp I ate had something like 13 grams of fat! Maybe I’ll also keep a stash of mini chocolate bars in my workspaces – not easily accessible, and limit myself to something like 2. The next time I’m annoyed at work and need a breather, I can take 5 minutes to myself, enjoy a treat that won’t sabotage my Weight-Loss Adventure, and then get back to work.
I don’t exercise (yet, I’m getting there!), so yoga isn’t something I’m doing right now. I do like to talk or vent, but sometimes that isn’t an option. I could probably try some breathing exercises, maybe a short meditation? If possible, take a walk around for a few minutes. My one workspace is better suited for listening to my iPod, but if I get frustrated at my other store, I could just pop in my earbuds (well, one, I still need to hear if someone is calling for me) and listen to my tunes. At home I need to also prepare for those moments when stress hits. A lot of the same ideas from work can be implemented at home, but I also have the added temptation of a fully-stocked kitchen instead of just my lunch bag. So, any snacks that aren’t pre-portioned are immediately put into a snack-sized bag
The other side of stress prevention/reduction is to not let things get to me so much. Easier said than done, and I’m pretty sure that you already know that, too!
I guess whoever coined the phrase “Lifestyle Change” to use in lieu of “diet” was really on to something. When you start to work on losing weight you first focus on switching to healthier options and portions for the majority of your meals (I say “majority” because legit, I ain’t giving up the occasional night out or grabbing a quick bite somewhere because of time constraints/I’m exhausted, whatever). Once you start to get comfortable with basic meal planning, organizing, etc, you start to see patterns of negative ways you used to approach or use food. If you’re able to anticipate those moments or plan ahead for them, your Lifestyle Change is going to be much more successful in the long run.
Note to self - bring blankets and pillows to work for storage, eventual construction of Desk-Blanket-Pillow Fort.
Signing Off From Under My Desk, Enjoying A Pudding Cup, and Staying Calm,
Jenn
====================================
I started writing this post on a Monday when I got super-stressed at work, and felt like I could calm down with a Red Bull and a Coffee Crisp (I was also drowsy, but mostly angry). I stared at my choices, knowing full well what I was doing: Dealing with a problem by eating. I still ate the Coffee Crisp and drank the Red Bull, but I knew that I was going to have to start working on myself to try and find different, healthier ways to deal with stress.
This led my mind down a rabbit hole, finally winding up at “Where did this all start?” I then started writing out my “Origin Story” (neeeerrrd!!!) but after 3 pages and counting in Word, I realized that I maybe lost a bit of focus. So, I’m re-working this post, hopefully I can finally convey my first thought…
I’ve always struggled with my weight. An overall reason for that is that I friggin’ LOVE food. Food is sometimes the only thing I’m looking forward to in a day. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you maintain the thinking of “I eat to live, I don’t live to eat.” I’ve mentioned previously how I’ve done Weight Watchers twice, I’ve worked at Herbal Magic (I didn’t use the products for weight loss, I was already slim so I just had to eat a modified plan from them), and I’ve grown up with “diet,” “low-cal,” and “fat-free” choices readily available while growing up.
Instead of giving a detailed account of my life growing up (which somewhat informs the “Where did this all start?” question, but in a different way – that’ll be another post), I’m going to start at the point where I met my husband, Jim.
I’ve already posted a picture from the night I met Jim (see the hotness here). I’m healthy, happy, and let’s be honest, haaawwwt. So, that’s what we’re working with – that version of Jenn came about after a few ups and downs with weight, one try at Weight Watchers, employment at Herbal Magic, and I’d finally kinda reached a good point.
Since I was working nights and weekends at my work, I didn’t have a lot of time to see Jim, especially since he lived 3 hours away and didn’t have a vehicle. The times that we DID see each other, we wanted to maximize our time and money together, so one of the ways we did that was eating fast food, or anything that was quick and easy.
Since Jim is blessed with that higher metabolism thing that men have compared to women (or whatever) he was able to order things like a Baconator combo, plus another sandwich on top of that. Slowly but surely as time wore on, my orders started to resemble his – not only was I getting a combo meal, I was getting one or two “snack” items off the menus.
It’s at this point that my Adult Life starts to happen – I’ve got a full-time job, a serious boyfriend, and I’m in my mid-twenties. I’m living at home, so I have disposable income, but you start to take things more seriously and think long-term. As in, you start to stress about things you never used to before.
So, I would guess around this point is when food became a major source of comfort – being 3 hours away from my man, personal stresses, and some work stress (oh, man, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone…I miss that place) and gradually my weight started climbing up.
Roughly two years into my relationship with Jim I realized that I needed to do something. I joined Weight Watchers for the second time, and nearly cried as I stepped on the scale and saw my heaviest (at that point) weight displayed. Thank goodness the lady who was signing me up was so kind and patient, reminding me that this is the start of a change, and I’d never be that heavy again.
For a while I was doing pretty well, losing weight safely, sometimes having weeks where I’d gain, but overall I got down I think around 50 pounds. People started noticing, I was getting my confidence back, I figured this would be it.
Jim and I got engaged, and a few months before the wedding I stopped going to Weight Watchers. I wasn’t focused as much on it, and we needed every single penny we could get for the wedding. By the time I walked down the aisle, I had gained back a bit of weight, but looking back now I would give anything to be at that point.
We both did the whole “Newlywed Weight Gain” thing, and kept saying, “Ok, THIS week we get healthy.” Again, had I’d known what was ahead, I would have done a lot more to prevent what was about to happen, or at least get it under control in some way.
I’m trying to think of a way to describe what started the chain reaction, but honestly there is one word that works most perfectly for it: stress. Plain and simple. The honeymoon phase is over, now it’s time to really start working on things. Marriage is not easy. Getting a new job is not easy. Moving is not easy. I had to do all three within a few weeks.
It’s very possible that I fell into something of a depression shortly after the dust settled from the wedding, moving, and starting a new job (which, thankfully, was the same job I was doing in my hometown – my boss knew another boss in my new city who needed someone with my skills, so at least all I had to learn was how to get there, how to use a different system, and the names of my new coworkers). However, I can’t say for certain that it was depression or not, as I never went to a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist.
I’m usually described as a happy person, but I can be really negative or pessimistic, especially if I start to get stressed out. This is the first time I’ve ever not lived under my parents roof, so there’s that feeling of being kind of alone and unsure. I definitely started turning to food as my comfort for when things got rough or stressful. I’d also gorge and binge watch my fave shows if Jim was out for the evening. No regrets – I could (still can…to a point) slam a whole medium pizza, plus one of those pre-made salads from grocery stores, PLUS maybe some kind of dessert, although usually that was something smaller, just a little something sweet to end off my ginormous meal for one.
I would eat until I could barely move off the couch, but I would make sure to hide the evidence from Jim. Our lives started getting busy, but not in an active way – work, social or family commitments, and then we’d get home exhausted and veg in front of the TV.
Begin cycle of self-loathing for getting to this point, and eating more to try and kill that feeling.
That’s basically what led me to this point in my life.
Do I blame anyone else? No. This is all me. Jim has tried his best to help me get motivated to lose weight – not because he doesn’t like what he sees anymore, but because it breaks his heart when I talk negatively about myself and don’t believe that I’m still beautiful to him.
Stress is ALWAYS going to be a part of life, no way around it. The trick is (apparently) to not let it take over and dictate your actions. Or, rather, be an excuse for destructive actions.
So, I’ve been thinking this week about ways to prevent me from just losing my cool and reaching for something sugary or fatty or cheesy or gooey…ok, sorry, I got distracted. Whatever I was talking about sounded delicious…
The first thing I did Tuesday morning while packing my lunch was throw in a chocolate pudding cup. I wasn’t intending on eating it during the day – I was keeping it there in case I had a moment of frustration at work and needed to chill out a bit. All week long there has been a pudding cup in my lunch bag. I haven’t needed to eat it this week.
You’re thinking, “Jenn, that seems counter-productive. You’re trying to think of ways to deal with stress that don’t involve food!”
Right, and in theory it does seem counter-productive. BUT, here’s the thing – those chocolate pudding cups are portion controlled, only a little over 100 calories, about 3 grams of fat, depending on the flavour or brand. That Coffee Crisp I ate had something like 13 grams of fat! Maybe I’ll also keep a stash of mini chocolate bars in my workspaces – not easily accessible, and limit myself to something like 2. The next time I’m annoyed at work and need a breather, I can take 5 minutes to myself, enjoy a treat that won’t sabotage my Weight-Loss Adventure, and then get back to work.
I don’t exercise (yet, I’m getting there!), so yoga isn’t something I’m doing right now. I do like to talk or vent, but sometimes that isn’t an option. I could probably try some breathing exercises, maybe a short meditation? If possible, take a walk around for a few minutes. My one workspace is better suited for listening to my iPod, but if I get frustrated at my other store, I could just pop in my earbuds (well, one, I still need to hear if someone is calling for me) and listen to my tunes. At home I need to also prepare for those moments when stress hits. A lot of the same ideas from work can be implemented at home, but I also have the added temptation of a fully-stocked kitchen instead of just my lunch bag. So, any snacks that aren’t pre-portioned are immediately put into a snack-sized bag
The other side of stress prevention/reduction is to not let things get to me so much. Easier said than done, and I’m pretty sure that you already know that, too!
I guess whoever coined the phrase “Lifestyle Change” to use in lieu of “diet” was really on to something. When you start to work on losing weight you first focus on switching to healthier options and portions for the majority of your meals (I say “majority” because legit, I ain’t giving up the occasional night out or grabbing a quick bite somewhere because of time constraints/I’m exhausted, whatever). Once you start to get comfortable with basic meal planning, organizing, etc, you start to see patterns of negative ways you used to approach or use food. If you’re able to anticipate those moments or plan ahead for them, your Lifestyle Change is going to be much more successful in the long run.
I guess I’ve gone on long enough for this post. I should probably spend some time doing research on ways to keep stress to a minimum and setting those plans in motion. One of my solutions for work is to hide under my desk from people – not all day, just when I need to, until the frustration…or rage…passes. It might not be the most “adult” solution, but let’s be honest: how many of us have wanted to do something like that? Not only does it help you calm down, it keeps you somewhere safe so you don’t act upon your emotions in a way that lands you in HR.
Signing Off From Under My Desk, Enjoying A Pudding Cup, and Staying Calm,
Jenn
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Reframing
A friendly reminder - just like the first two posts, this one was also written a month ago. Carry on!
=========================================
Ahhhhhh, ok, so, I think I need a little adjustment…a reframing of the mind, and the way I am approaching this Weight-Loss Adventure.
Last week I was starting to learn about being more flexible in both this Weight-Loss Adventure, as well as in my life as a whole (believe me, my husband could recount quite a few times when I’ve reacted poorly to a sudden change of plans. And saying “reacted poorly” is me trying to ignore the fact that I basically have thrown a fit like a stubborn toddler. Ahem…).
This past weekend Jim and I had no plans, so I was gonna take full advantage of spending about 90% of my weekend in my PJs, relaxing, and watching Hallowe’en stuffs. I was also hoping to walk around the neighbourhood with Jim on Saturday and see how everyone was celebrating Hallowe’en. Cute fun, plus low-key exercise? Scooooore!
Then, Jim got called into work. Both Saturday and Sunday. Ugh. I’m super-proud that he’s finally getting the recognition he deserves for the work he does and his skills/talents, but his recent promotion has him working pretty hard, sometimes for really long shifts.
So, siiiigh, home alone, kinda bummed that my plans for Hallowe’en had fallen through. I didn’t have a costume or anything, I was just looking forward to doing something festive. I ended up cleaning the apartment, doing laundry (my most-hated chore, apartment laundry!!)…and eating whatever struck my fancy here and there.
I didn’t like, binge or anything, but I certainly didn’t care about counting calories and tracking at that point.
Sunday was kind of the same deal – Jim went to work, and I watched some movies, and grazed on whatever was available. Eventually I forced myself to check what I had planned to eat for the week, and see what I could pre-make in order to cut down prep time. I think I boiled 3 eggs, and made my lunch for the next day. Then I made a big bowl of popcorn (with melted margarine and white cheddar flavouring, so not horrible but not exactly healthy) to eat while watching The Walking Dead and wait for Jim to get home.
Monday night I made a reeeaaally sad chicken and pasta dish (trust me, zero flavour, blech – lesson learned: herbs and spices are your friend!!), and prepped my lunch for the next day. Tuesday night Jim went to a friends house, so I made up some pasta with pesto. Specifically, I took some cottage cheese, a little sour cream, and pesto, and blended it until it was creamy. Toss that with pasta, and you’ve got a fairly healthy and tasty dish. I sorta kinda maybe eye-balled the food, and I definitely made more than I needed to, but I was starving (poor excuse, yes, but it informs the story). Last night I stayed at work later than I thought I would, and I was feeling like garbage – something I’d eaten wasn’t sitting right. Jim got called into an emergency shift, so I was once again alone for dinner. I made my go-to meal for when my stomach decides to be a jerk – a big bowl o’ rice – and I had that for dinner.
Imagine my surprise today when I stepped on the scale and lost 2 pounds!
I basically didn’t track anything for the last few days, ate half a bag of chips (Jim stumbled upon Ruffles Harvey’s Flame-Grilled Cheeseburger chips and OHMYGOSHTHEYAREAMAZING. They’re limited edition, so you’d better believe I’m searching them out and bulk-buying them to last as long as possible!), and I barely measured anything I ate.
I bet you’re now asking, “So, the moral of the story is to throw caution to the wind entirely and you’ll magically lose weight?”
No, not in the least. This week was a fluke – maybe my being kinda sick last night helped? Maybe I’m subconsciously refraining from going overboard? Maybe I got more water in than I thought? (Ahhh, I really need to start tracking my water intake…) All I know is that I cannot use this week as an example for the weeks I may…scratch that, WILL have in the future where I fall off the wagon, “but it’s ok, I’ll probably still lose weight!”
(Ok, side-note – when I was doing Weight Watchers, I had some weeks with a “surprise” weight-loss. The lady explained that sometimes you need a week to mentally “check-out” a little and not stress about your weight-loss, and this somehow helps. It kinda makes sense, take from it what you may.)
Every day is a chance to start over, get things right. Every weigh-in day (Thursdays for me) is the start of a new week, in a sense.
So what DID I discover/learn this week?
Weekends will present a challenge to me, hopefully not for long, and maybe not for the reason you think. Yes, there will be weekends when I go out to celebrate something with friends or family, or go out for a date night. Those times I am entirely fine with eating or drinking what I want, within reason…ish. Those moments don’t scare me, since they’re a part of life – it’s the times when I’m at home, all the chores are done, and I’m draped over the couch watching a show. Boredom usually results in me heading to the kitchen, especially if there is something tasty and easily snackable.
Also, it kind of feels like all of a sudden our lives are chaotic. I work in two buildings throughout the week, dividing my time between them. One place is about half an hour away from home, the other is 45 minutes away, give or take with traffic, construction, etc. I really, really, really hate waking up in the morning. I’ve lately disciplined myself to get out of bed to be at work at a decent time (thankfully my boss is cool with my arrival time, as long as my work gets done, and I’m not skipping out early – not that I would!), but some mornings are rushed. If I haven’t prepped enough of my breakfast/lunch the night before, this causes a number of problems – mostly grabbing whatever I can, maybe trying to make something healthy and filling but that makes me late, and so on.
So, ok, I make it to work on time, but my breakfast and lunch are kinda sucky. They might be tasty, maybe I threw in a few leftover Hallowe’en treats as extra snacks, but what happens when it’s 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon, and I’m peckish, and descending into starving, and my lunch bag is empty? By the time I get home, anything edible is fair game, screw trying to lose weight! I’m starving, possibly hangry, half a brick of cheese and a sleeve of crackers should do just fine…on top of the carefully portioned, healthy dinner I’ve made.
The solution to all of these scenarios is pretty simple, but does take discipline and proper planning. Every weekend I do my best to carve out time for the usual chores that need doing – this is one more that I will be adding to my list:
Prep work, prep work, prep work.
First, I make sure I have a game plan for the week ahead: Have I planned my meals? Did I remember any out-of-the-ordinary events that might change things?
Next, I write a grocery list of anything needed for the week ahead. I’ve created an ongoing list in my phone that I just keep adding to – anything that’s not needed that week is crossed off. I also divided the list into sections, and tried to keep the sections in the order that you would find them in a grocery store (my list goes Produce – Grains – Proteins – Dairy – Fats – Others, which generally works for any store I go to).
Get home after shopping, put food away. Either right after that’s done, or later in the weekend, I get into the kitchen and make sure all the dishes are cleaned and put away, because I’ll probably need all the space and storage I can get.
Go through the weekly meal plan, and see what can be prepped ahead of time – cook up some chicken breasts, prepare some pasta and/or rice, cut fruits and veggies, and so on.
If the food is for snacking purposes, and I have enough baggies/storage (ha ha, yay, more Tupperware pieces with lids I can lose!), I will portion out the servings for easy access.
Basically, the idea is to make my kitchen the equivalent to a healthy fast food joint, at least to a degree. One of the toughest parts of going on a Weight-Loss Adventure is that, by and large, you’re cutting out the convenience of grabbing whatever you can/want on the run. Making this Lifestyle Change is definitely worth it in the long run, but getting started is a real pain. Hopefully by taking the time to prep as much as possible, I’ll be saving time and money, and avoiding eating extra calories in a fit of hanger.
I will also need to re-examine my meals at work – I’m ok with being slightly hungry when I get home to make dinner, but not ravenously hungry which leads to poor choices. Driving past a McDonald’s when you’re starving, knowing you have $5 in your pocket and can almost taste a McDouble cheeseburger is a one-way trip to Hangryville and nobody wins in that situation.
So, what’s the answer? I’m going to try and make sure all my meals – snacks included – have some kind of protein. I also need to make sure that I’m grabbing substantial veggies, too – a baggie of cucumber slices and celery or carrot sticks is amazingly satisfying!
And finally, a more general rule – I need to be keeping the kitchen tidy and organized as much as possible. My kitchen isn’t a disaster (sometimes the dishes sit for a day or two, not often), but it’s not a big kitchen, so if I don’t put things away, it gets a little frustrating trying to prep anything. If I’m able to set up my breakfast for the next day as I clean the dinner dishes, that’s a big time-saver for the morning. I HATE rushing in the morning – I literally start to sweat, and if I’ve already taken my shower and applied makeup? Ew.
I realize that a lot of these solutions are common sense, and evidence of being a grown-up and organizing your life. I was kind of implementing the right changes in the first week or two (and actually before that I was making a concentrated effort on keeping the apartment clean on a daily basis – woot, Adulting!), but this week made me realize that I truly have to buckle down and discipline myself. I can’t put things off, because it creates a chain reaction that eventually results in a hasty decision, fueled by emotions and/or hunger.
I won’t lie, it’s starting to get a little freaky seeing how this action is connected to that reaction which causes this reaction and results in that reaction. At some level, I think I vaguely knew how my life affected my eating habits and vice versa. Now that I’m seeing the chain of events in writing, I can stop and/or change the negative ones and start or encourage the positive ones.
Now I just have to remember that these changes need to happen slowly, not “go big or go home” style! Changing everything at once will result in burnout. To quote a great movie, “Baby steps to positive life changes, baby steps to positive life changes…”
Baby Steppin' to a Better Me,
Jenn
=========================================
Ahhhhhh, ok, so, I think I need a little adjustment…a reframing of the mind, and the way I am approaching this Weight-Loss Adventure.
Last week I was starting to learn about being more flexible in both this Weight-Loss Adventure, as well as in my life as a whole (believe me, my husband could recount quite a few times when I’ve reacted poorly to a sudden change of plans. And saying “reacted poorly” is me trying to ignore the fact that I basically have thrown a fit like a stubborn toddler. Ahem…).
This past weekend Jim and I had no plans, so I was gonna take full advantage of spending about 90% of my weekend in my PJs, relaxing, and watching Hallowe’en stuffs. I was also hoping to walk around the neighbourhood with Jim on Saturday and see how everyone was celebrating Hallowe’en. Cute fun, plus low-key exercise? Scooooore!
Then, Jim got called into work. Both Saturday and Sunday. Ugh. I’m super-proud that he’s finally getting the recognition he deserves for the work he does and his skills/talents, but his recent promotion has him working pretty hard, sometimes for really long shifts.
So, siiiigh, home alone, kinda bummed that my plans for Hallowe’en had fallen through. I didn’t have a costume or anything, I was just looking forward to doing something festive. I ended up cleaning the apartment, doing laundry (my most-hated chore, apartment laundry!!)…and eating whatever struck my fancy here and there.
I didn’t like, binge or anything, but I certainly didn’t care about counting calories and tracking at that point.
Sunday was kind of the same deal – Jim went to work, and I watched some movies, and grazed on whatever was available. Eventually I forced myself to check what I had planned to eat for the week, and see what I could pre-make in order to cut down prep time. I think I boiled 3 eggs, and made my lunch for the next day. Then I made a big bowl of popcorn (with melted margarine and white cheddar flavouring, so not horrible but not exactly healthy) to eat while watching The Walking Dead and wait for Jim to get home.
Monday night I made a reeeaaally sad chicken and pasta dish (trust me, zero flavour, blech – lesson learned: herbs and spices are your friend!!), and prepped my lunch for the next day. Tuesday night Jim went to a friends house, so I made up some pasta with pesto. Specifically, I took some cottage cheese, a little sour cream, and pesto, and blended it until it was creamy. Toss that with pasta, and you’ve got a fairly healthy and tasty dish. I sorta kinda maybe eye-balled the food, and I definitely made more than I needed to, but I was starving (poor excuse, yes, but it informs the story). Last night I stayed at work later than I thought I would, and I was feeling like garbage – something I’d eaten wasn’t sitting right. Jim got called into an emergency shift, so I was once again alone for dinner. I made my go-to meal for when my stomach decides to be a jerk – a big bowl o’ rice – and I had that for dinner.
Imagine my surprise today when I stepped on the scale and lost 2 pounds!
I basically didn’t track anything for the last few days, ate half a bag of chips (Jim stumbled upon Ruffles Harvey’s Flame-Grilled Cheeseburger chips and OHMYGOSHTHEYAREAMAZING. They’re limited edition, so you’d better believe I’m searching them out and bulk-buying them to last as long as possible!), and I barely measured anything I ate.
I bet you’re now asking, “So, the moral of the story is to throw caution to the wind entirely and you’ll magically lose weight?”
No, not in the least. This week was a fluke – maybe my being kinda sick last night helped? Maybe I’m subconsciously refraining from going overboard? Maybe I got more water in than I thought? (Ahhh, I really need to start tracking my water intake…) All I know is that I cannot use this week as an example for the weeks I may…scratch that, WILL have in the future where I fall off the wagon, “but it’s ok, I’ll probably still lose weight!”
(Ok, side-note – when I was doing Weight Watchers, I had some weeks with a “surprise” weight-loss. The lady explained that sometimes you need a week to mentally “check-out” a little and not stress about your weight-loss, and this somehow helps. It kinda makes sense, take from it what you may.)
Every day is a chance to start over, get things right. Every weigh-in day (Thursdays for me) is the start of a new week, in a sense.
So what DID I discover/learn this week?
Weekends will present a challenge to me, hopefully not for long, and maybe not for the reason you think. Yes, there will be weekends when I go out to celebrate something with friends or family, or go out for a date night. Those times I am entirely fine with eating or drinking what I want, within reason…ish. Those moments don’t scare me, since they’re a part of life – it’s the times when I’m at home, all the chores are done, and I’m draped over the couch watching a show. Boredom usually results in me heading to the kitchen, especially if there is something tasty and easily snackable.
Also, it kind of feels like all of a sudden our lives are chaotic. I work in two buildings throughout the week, dividing my time between them. One place is about half an hour away from home, the other is 45 minutes away, give or take with traffic, construction, etc. I really, really, really hate waking up in the morning. I’ve lately disciplined myself to get out of bed to be at work at a decent time (thankfully my boss is cool with my arrival time, as long as my work gets done, and I’m not skipping out early – not that I would!), but some mornings are rushed. If I haven’t prepped enough of my breakfast/lunch the night before, this causes a number of problems – mostly grabbing whatever I can, maybe trying to make something healthy and filling but that makes me late, and so on.
So, ok, I make it to work on time, but my breakfast and lunch are kinda sucky. They might be tasty, maybe I threw in a few leftover Hallowe’en treats as extra snacks, but what happens when it’s 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon, and I’m peckish, and descending into starving, and my lunch bag is empty? By the time I get home, anything edible is fair game, screw trying to lose weight! I’m starving, possibly hangry, half a brick of cheese and a sleeve of crackers should do just fine…on top of the carefully portioned, healthy dinner I’ve made.
The solution to all of these scenarios is pretty simple, but does take discipline and proper planning. Every weekend I do my best to carve out time for the usual chores that need doing – this is one more that I will be adding to my list:
Prep work, prep work, prep work.
First, I make sure I have a game plan for the week ahead: Have I planned my meals? Did I remember any out-of-the-ordinary events that might change things?
Next, I write a grocery list of anything needed for the week ahead. I’ve created an ongoing list in my phone that I just keep adding to – anything that’s not needed that week is crossed off. I also divided the list into sections, and tried to keep the sections in the order that you would find them in a grocery store (my list goes Produce – Grains – Proteins – Dairy – Fats – Others, which generally works for any store I go to).
Get home after shopping, put food away. Either right after that’s done, or later in the weekend, I get into the kitchen and make sure all the dishes are cleaned and put away, because I’ll probably need all the space and storage I can get.
Go through the weekly meal plan, and see what can be prepped ahead of time – cook up some chicken breasts, prepare some pasta and/or rice, cut fruits and veggies, and so on.
If the food is for snacking purposes, and I have enough baggies/storage (ha ha, yay, more Tupperware pieces with lids I can lose!), I will portion out the servings for easy access.
Basically, the idea is to make my kitchen the equivalent to a healthy fast food joint, at least to a degree. One of the toughest parts of going on a Weight-Loss Adventure is that, by and large, you’re cutting out the convenience of grabbing whatever you can/want on the run. Making this Lifestyle Change is definitely worth it in the long run, but getting started is a real pain. Hopefully by taking the time to prep as much as possible, I’ll be saving time and money, and avoiding eating extra calories in a fit of hanger.
I will also need to re-examine my meals at work – I’m ok with being slightly hungry when I get home to make dinner, but not ravenously hungry which leads to poor choices. Driving past a McDonald’s when you’re starving, knowing you have $5 in your pocket and can almost taste a McDouble cheeseburger is a one-way trip to Hangryville and nobody wins in that situation.
So, what’s the answer? I’m going to try and make sure all my meals – snacks included – have some kind of protein. I also need to make sure that I’m grabbing substantial veggies, too – a baggie of cucumber slices and celery or carrot sticks is amazingly satisfying!
And finally, a more general rule – I need to be keeping the kitchen tidy and organized as much as possible. My kitchen isn’t a disaster (sometimes the dishes sit for a day or two, not often), but it’s not a big kitchen, so if I don’t put things away, it gets a little frustrating trying to prep anything. If I’m able to set up my breakfast for the next day as I clean the dinner dishes, that’s a big time-saver for the morning. I HATE rushing in the morning – I literally start to sweat, and if I’ve already taken my shower and applied makeup? Ew.
I realize that a lot of these solutions are common sense, and evidence of being a grown-up and organizing your life. I was kind of implementing the right changes in the first week or two (and actually before that I was making a concentrated effort on keeping the apartment clean on a daily basis – woot, Adulting!), but this week made me realize that I truly have to buckle down and discipline myself. I can’t put things off, because it creates a chain reaction that eventually results in a hasty decision, fueled by emotions and/or hunger.
I won’t lie, it’s starting to get a little freaky seeing how this action is connected to that reaction which causes this reaction and results in that reaction. At some level, I think I vaguely knew how my life affected my eating habits and vice versa. Now that I’m seeing the chain of events in writing, I can stop and/or change the negative ones and start or encourage the positive ones.
Now I just have to remember that these changes need to happen slowly, not “go big or go home” style! Changing everything at once will result in burnout. To quote a great movie, “Baby steps to positive life changes, baby steps to positive life changes…”
Baby Steppin' to a Better Me,
Jenn
Thursday, November 19, 2015
"I'm Sorry, I Didn't Schedule 'An Unexpected Change of Plans' Into My Timetable. Come Back Later!"
As per the notification from the first post in this series, this entry was written roughly a month ago, just to let you know :-)
====================================
My husband is the king of the “Go with the flow,” “Roll with it,” “Let’s see where the wind takes us” mindset.
Since opposites attract, I am the queen of “That flow will sweep you out to sea and you’ll probably drown,” “Rolling will result in you hitting something and getting hurt,” and “At least tell me the speed and direction the wind is blowing so I have an idea of where I might end up.”
There’s something to be said about being up for anything, and there’s also a lot of positives for planning ahead to maximize the results of an event or activity.
Naturally, when you start to eat healthy, live healthy, BE healthy, you get both mindsets attacking/helping you in equal measures. It’s awful/awesome.
As a Planner Type, you’d think that finally working out a weekly meal plan to stay within my calorie limits is like, euphoric. So far, no, it is not. A big reason that this Lifestyle Change was kick-started was because I stumbled upon 15 low-cal and easy meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as snack ideas. Since I’m still getting used to it, and I don’t have “go-to” meals yet, planning takes quite a bit: “Hmmm, that meal sounds tasty! Ok, it involves this ingredient and that ingredient…hmmm…so maybe if I have this for dinner, I can make extra of this ingredient which is already part of the next days meal…so I save time…but oh wait. Is Jim home for dinner, or is he working late or out with friends? If he’s not home, I can eat this meal instead, because he hates it.” And so on.
And yes, I’m fully aware that I am my own worst enemy and I totally overthink and over plan. I’m probably making this meal planning thing waaaayyyy more complicated than I need to.
But, this post is supposed to be about how I’m realizing that I’m going to have to learn to be a little more flexible and patient with myself. So let’s get into it.
So, Day 1 of Weight-Loss Adventure – I got a cold. Lovely. Made a pot of chicken noodle soup, which thankfully is pretty dang healthy (and tasty!), so at least I had a few meals out of that.
So, already I’ve encountered a few unplanned things, BUT on the plus side my cold resulted in soup that filled a few days with meals, and a guest required the apartment to get “Guest Clean” which is tiring but rewarding, since you don’t have to clean as much for a bit, and it gets your heart rate up!
Now, I’m certainly no expert on weight-loss, eating healthy, all that stuff. I have a fairly decent knowledge from years of diets, talking with others who are more “into” a healthy lifestyle, and reading various articles online. I knew from the outset that I was approaching this as a Lifestyle Change, NOT a diet. Yes, counting calories and following a meal plan is going to get you pretty dang far, but if you absolutely will not eat certain foods (unless for health reasons) you’re probably not going to make this change permanent.
Plus, nobody likes hanging out with “That Person” who is trying to lose weight, and entirely refuses any food they deem unhealthy. Double if “That Person” talks about their diet endlessly, and gives everyone unsolicited advice about eating healthy.
So, what has this week taught me? That while I can certainly plan ahead, I need to be accepting of changes that happen and not beat myself up if it possibly makes my Weight-Loss Adventure a little tougher. I mean, what happens when I’ve reached my goal weight, and I’m doing well maintaining, but something kind of derails me for a bit? Maybe Jim and I will win the lottery and go on a major vacation! And sometimes it’s not a vacation where you “let go” – sometimes it’s a happy/sad event, or a stressful time. Or, it could be a combo of those things – you’re moving to a new place (yay!), and heck no you’re not done unpacking the kitchen (boo!) so yeah, we’re calling the pizza delivery guy again this week (and it better be a stuffed crust with extra cheese and garlic bread and wings because you can’t find that one box of things you really need and you’re stressin’ hard, yo!).
So, here’s to me learning a valuable life lesson as I work to improve my health so I can LIVE my life! Learning to roll with the punches and accept things that are out of my control! Learning that I need to remain disciplined during the routine times so that when things get a little crazy it’s won’t set me back as badly!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure things are perfectly in order in case all my plans fall apart, ha ha ha!
Living with Scheduled Disorder And Learning to Love It,
Jenn
====================================
My husband is the king of the “Go with the flow,” “Roll with it,” “Let’s see where the wind takes us” mindset.
Since opposites attract, I am the queen of “That flow will sweep you out to sea and you’ll probably drown,” “Rolling will result in you hitting something and getting hurt,” and “At least tell me the speed and direction the wind is blowing so I have an idea of where I might end up.”
There’s something to be said about being up for anything, and there’s also a lot of positives for planning ahead to maximize the results of an event or activity.
Naturally, when you start to eat healthy, live healthy, BE healthy, you get both mindsets attacking/helping you in equal measures. It’s awful/awesome.
As a Planner Type, you’d think that finally working out a weekly meal plan to stay within my calorie limits is like, euphoric. So far, no, it is not. A big reason that this Lifestyle Change was kick-started was because I stumbled upon 15 low-cal and easy meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as snack ideas. Since I’m still getting used to it, and I don’t have “go-to” meals yet, planning takes quite a bit: “Hmmm, that meal sounds tasty! Ok, it involves this ingredient and that ingredient…hmmm…so maybe if I have this for dinner, I can make extra of this ingredient which is already part of the next days meal…so I save time…but oh wait. Is Jim home for dinner, or is he working late or out with friends? If he’s not home, I can eat this meal instead, because he hates it.” And so on.
And yes, I’m fully aware that I am my own worst enemy and I totally overthink and over plan. I’m probably making this meal planning thing waaaayyyy more complicated than I need to.
But, this post is supposed to be about how I’m realizing that I’m going to have to learn to be a little more flexible and patient with myself. So let’s get into it.
Last week I was all ready to go, gung-ho, “This is finally happening!” Sunday night I felt kind of strange, but I shrugged it off. By the time we were done watching Walking Dead and ready to get to bed, I was feeling really weak and cold. I crawled into bed, shivering, and hoped that sleep would come soon. It did, but only for an hour. I woke up every hour after that, feeling more and more awful. Jim woke up at one point, saw how crummy I was, and told me I was calling in sick. I protested, but finally relented. I hate calling in sick! It’s rare when I do, but I know I have to in order to get better quicker (and keep my fellow co-workers healthy, too!)
The rest of the week was basically following the meal plan I had made, except for Wednesday, when my cold had some sort of resurgence and I felt terrible by the time I got home. I made a bowl of rice, grabbed a cup of ginger ale, and curled up on the couch to watch American Horror Story: Hotel (amaaaazing!) and prayed I could get some sleep. It was also that night that our friend texted Jim to ask if she could crash on our couch over the weekend, since her plans to be in the city got switched all around. So Thursday night was me getting home ASAP to clean the apartment and await her arrival (so, I can count the cleaning as my first workout? Yeah, we’ll count that).
So, already I’ve encountered a few unplanned things, BUT on the plus side my cold resulted in soup that filled a few days with meals, and a guest required the apartment to get “Guest Clean” which is tiring but rewarding, since you don’t have to clean as much for a bit, and it gets your heart rate up!
Now, I’m certainly no expert on weight-loss, eating healthy, all that stuff. I have a fairly decent knowledge from years of diets, talking with others who are more “into” a healthy lifestyle, and reading various articles online. I knew from the outset that I was approaching this as a Lifestyle Change, NOT a diet. Yes, counting calories and following a meal plan is going to get you pretty dang far, but if you absolutely will not eat certain foods (unless for health reasons) you’re probably not going to make this change permanent.
Plus, nobody likes hanging out with “That Person” who is trying to lose weight, and entirely refuses any food they deem unhealthy. Double if “That Person” talks about their diet endlessly, and gives everyone unsolicited advice about eating healthy.
So, what has this week taught me? That while I can certainly plan ahead, I need to be accepting of changes that happen and not beat myself up if it possibly makes my Weight-Loss Adventure a little tougher. I mean, what happens when I’ve reached my goal weight, and I’m doing well maintaining, but something kind of derails me for a bit? Maybe Jim and I will win the lottery and go on a major vacation! And sometimes it’s not a vacation where you “let go” – sometimes it’s a happy/sad event, or a stressful time. Or, it could be a combo of those things – you’re moving to a new place (yay!), and heck no you’re not done unpacking the kitchen (boo!) so yeah, we’re calling the pizza delivery guy again this week (and it better be a stuffed crust with extra cheese and garlic bread and wings because you can’t find that one box of things you really need and you’re stressin’ hard, yo!).
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure things are perfectly in order in case all my plans fall apart, ha ha ha!
Living with Scheduled Disorder And Learning to Love It,
Jenn
Sunday, November 15, 2015
The Adventure Begins...
PLEASE NOTE - For reasons that I outline later on in this post, I actually wrote this a month ago. So, that's why I refer to Indie Week being last Friday, when it was not.
=========================================================
I’m not 100% sure when my Epiphany Moment (or, for fans of Scrubs, the moment when things made sense as I sat on the Epiphany Toilet) happened, even though it was within the last 2 weeks. If I remember, I will certainly let you know!
I can definitely tell you that last Friday, while watching my friends band compete in Indie Week, I knew that I was ready for this. (I’ll come back to this point later, since it does help in the tale I’m about to tell.)
I have spent the last…probably 2.5 years driving myself and my husband nuts. I guess a brief synopsis of the situation would be helpful:
That is a picture of me the night I met my husband. Yes, I’ve cropped the picture – I don’t really have contact with the cropped-out person anymore, and that’s a whole other post for another time. Or not. Maybe. I dunno.
Anyhoo, yeah, check me out!! Now, maybe some angles are at work, the lighting was just right, but come on – that’s some hotness going on right there. I’m healthy, happy, and unstoppable, like a T-Rex with grabby claw-hand thingys.
So yeah, met my future husband that night – his first comment to me was how beautiful I was, d’awww – and fast forward a little over 4 years to when he and I finally tied the knot:
Gorgeous! I’m certainly not at my goal weight, but looking at this picture compared to now, I wish I could go back in time and warn Past Jenn that she needs to get in control of her health and weight right then and there. It’s about to get a lot worse.
How bad? I’m currently at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I run away from the camera when I’m out, and when I’m forced into a picture I make sure to ruin it and just shrug “oops, sorry” and pray it never gets on Facebook. Then, because I’m nuts, I whine about how I don’t have pictures on Facebook. When I feel pretty enough for a selfie, I also feel grossly vain and obvious in my attempts to get a Social Media Confidence Boost, and I delete the picture. I hate any woman with confidence, doubled if they have a body I covet (yes, this includes women I love dearly). My husband is at his wits end telling me how beautiful and sexy I still am to him – I’m not sure if I just outright reject that entire idea, or if I believe him but I can’t believe it myself. I get winded doing the most basic things, and heaven help me if I’m anywhere that isn’t Arctic cold – going to a bar, for example, means that any makeup or hair I worked hard on will look like crap within 45 minutes, and I’ll hate myself the rest of the night. I avoid posting pictures that glorify fatty, unhealthy foods, or posting a status about foodstuffs for fear that other people are thinking, “Well, duh, of course she loves that food – she’s a tub!”
I’ve done Weight Watchers twice, and I actually worked at Herbal Magic for a while. I have a decent knowledge of the basics of healthy eating and all that jazz. Things should not have gotten so out of control for me – but they did. I can blame no one but myself – I certainly had multiple stressors that did not help, but in the end I am responsible for what I eat, how active I am, and how I feel about myself.
So, back to last Friday, watching the band play. Going out is already a chore for me, since very little fits and/or looks good on me (in my mind at least. Maybe I really am rocking those jeans, I dunno). I’m weirdly already kind of grumpy about …I don’t even know what. I think I was cross with my husband over something stupid, and I just didn’t feel like going out. Got to the bar, said our hellos, and made chit-chat with our friends that were there. The band takes the stage – 2 girls, 2 guys – and while I’m having a good time listening to them, I’m quietly being envious of the 2 girls for being themselves – gorgeous and confident. I’m looking around the room, also with jealousy at girls that can wear cute outfits and take selfies with people and know they’ll look great.
However, while I’m having my usual Body Hate Fest, I’m also vaguely aware that a little part of me is like, “It’s ok, because from now on you’re going to do something about it.” I can’t really explain it, it was just something I felt.
I got home and pretty much passed out right away (exhaustion and alcohol are great for the Instant Fall Asleep Method), and when I woke up the next morning, I knew that I was heading out to start a new chapter of my life.
Since I had found a few meals online that were low-cal, I made up a list of groceries that would set the base for the meals I was going to be making, and added a few organizational items to keep things well, organized.
I got back home to find Jim still asleep, which was fine. I set to work getting things put away and starting the organizational process (the main acquisition in Organizational Wares was a whiteboard calendar to keep our schedules clear, as our lives suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere got busy). I put away the groceries, and prepared a meal plan for the week ahead.
This would be it. I'm finally, FINALLY doing it.
Over the coming months, I hope you'll join me, either by reading these posts, or heck, maybe you're looking to get healthy, too. I guess I'll set a few...”ground rules” for lack of a better term:
1) I'm NOT a registered, certified, for-realsies medical person. My knowledge comes from years of trying out weight-loss programs, reading pretty much any article that talks about weight-loss, and talking to family and friends who are knowledgeable regarding matters of health and such. I will do my best to link sources to back up things that I post, but in the end, this is my blog, and my opinions – what may work for me may not work for you, and vice versa.
2) I'm not on a diet – this is a Weight-Loss Adventure. I'll sometimes refer to it as a Lifestyle Change, or “getting healthy” or some other variant, but let me be clear – diets, at least for me, will not work. "Diet" indicates that you're restricting yourself to some degree, and isn't a series of positive life changes that can be maintained over time. That's why diets fail. Also, I feel that I should mention that I'm doing this by eating full-fat foods, nothing labeled "diet" or "lite" or "low-fat," etc. If you're trying to get healthy and eating those foods is working for you, awesome! I personally don't want to use those foods, as I have suspicions that they aren't actually helping (or healthy) at all. I'm hoping to address this in a later post.
3) I will endeavor to post about topics other than my Weight-Loss Adventure. I've been told a few times over the past couple of years that I should pursue writing in some form. I'm hoping that this time it'll stick and maybe I'll become a better, more complete version of myself as I continue to write my thoughts out and take a look at what makes me tick.
4) A small part of me is blogging while I get back in shape in order to keep myself accountable. If you notice that I haven't posted for awhile (and I haven't given a reason – life will get in the way sometimes!) please feel free to get in touch with me somehow. My plan is that I'll stay motivated and keep moving on, even when things get tough, but I'm sure we all know that there are times when throwing in the towel seems like the only option.
Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I've written a lot of these first posts about a month before you're seeing them. I read somewhere that when you start a blog it's a good idea to have some posts ready to go to get you started. I also figured that after 4 weeks of making an effort, that I'm obviously serious this time. You'll notice if you scroll through my previous posts that I've attempted this before....and it clearly went nowhere. I wanted this attempt to take hold, and THEN I'd start being open about it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm frustrated. I'm happy. I'm embarking on an adventure that will change my life in a positive way, maybe even people around me, too. It's going to take awhile, but I know I can do this.
I've taken the first step. Now I just have to keep walking forward.
Here I go!
Jenn
=========================================================
I’m not 100% sure when my Epiphany Moment (or, for fans of Scrubs, the moment when things made sense as I sat on the Epiphany Toilet) happened, even though it was within the last 2 weeks. If I remember, I will certainly let you know!
I can definitely tell you that last Friday, while watching my friends band compete in Indie Week, I knew that I was ready for this. (I’ll come back to this point later, since it does help in the tale I’m about to tell.)
I have spent the last…probably 2.5 years driving myself and my husband nuts. I guess a brief synopsis of the situation would be helpful:
 |
| "Haaawwwt!" |
Anyhoo, yeah, check me out!! Now, maybe some angles are at work, the lighting was just right, but come on – that’s some hotness going on right there. I’m healthy, happy, and unstoppable, like a T-Rex with grabby claw-hand thingys.
So yeah, met my future husband that night – his first comment to me was how beautiful I was, d’awww – and fast forward a little over 4 years to when he and I finally tied the knot:
 |
| "Yeeeaaah, check out my flowers! I'm now a Mrs.!" |
Gorgeous! I’m certainly not at my goal weight, but looking at this picture compared to now, I wish I could go back in time and warn Past Jenn that she needs to get in control of her health and weight right then and there. It’s about to get a lot worse.
How bad? I’m currently at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I run away from the camera when I’m out, and when I’m forced into a picture I make sure to ruin it and just shrug “oops, sorry” and pray it never gets on Facebook. Then, because I’m nuts, I whine about how I don’t have pictures on Facebook. When I feel pretty enough for a selfie, I also feel grossly vain and obvious in my attempts to get a Social Media Confidence Boost, and I delete the picture. I hate any woman with confidence, doubled if they have a body I covet (yes, this includes women I love dearly). My husband is at his wits end telling me how beautiful and sexy I still am to him – I’m not sure if I just outright reject that entire idea, or if I believe him but I can’t believe it myself. I get winded doing the most basic things, and heaven help me if I’m anywhere that isn’t Arctic cold – going to a bar, for example, means that any makeup or hair I worked hard on will look like crap within 45 minutes, and I’ll hate myself the rest of the night. I avoid posting pictures that glorify fatty, unhealthy foods, or posting a status about foodstuffs for fear that other people are thinking, “Well, duh, of course she loves that food – she’s a tub!”
I’ve done Weight Watchers twice, and I actually worked at Herbal Magic for a while. I have a decent knowledge of the basics of healthy eating and all that jazz. Things should not have gotten so out of control for me – but they did. I can blame no one but myself – I certainly had multiple stressors that did not help, but in the end I am responsible for what I eat, how active I am, and how I feel about myself.
So, back to last Friday, watching the band play. Going out is already a chore for me, since very little fits and/or looks good on me (in my mind at least. Maybe I really am rocking those jeans, I dunno). I’m weirdly already kind of grumpy about …I don’t even know what. I think I was cross with my husband over something stupid, and I just didn’t feel like going out. Got to the bar, said our hellos, and made chit-chat with our friends that were there. The band takes the stage – 2 girls, 2 guys – and while I’m having a good time listening to them, I’m quietly being envious of the 2 girls for being themselves – gorgeous and confident. I’m looking around the room, also with jealousy at girls that can wear cute outfits and take selfies with people and know they’ll look great.
However, while I’m having my usual Body Hate Fest, I’m also vaguely aware that a little part of me is like, “It’s ok, because from now on you’re going to do something about it.” I can’t really explain it, it was just something I felt.
I got home and pretty much passed out right away (exhaustion and alcohol are great for the Instant Fall Asleep Method), and when I woke up the next morning, I knew that I was heading out to start a new chapter of my life.
Since I had found a few meals online that were low-cal, I made up a list of groceries that would set the base for the meals I was going to be making, and added a few organizational items to keep things well, organized.
I got back home to find Jim still asleep, which was fine. I set to work getting things put away and starting the organizational process (the main acquisition in Organizational Wares was a whiteboard calendar to keep our schedules clear, as our lives suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere got busy). I put away the groceries, and prepared a meal plan for the week ahead.
This would be it. I'm finally, FINALLY doing it.
Over the coming months, I hope you'll join me, either by reading these posts, or heck, maybe you're looking to get healthy, too. I guess I'll set a few...”ground rules” for lack of a better term:
1) I'm NOT a registered, certified, for-realsies medical person. My knowledge comes from years of trying out weight-loss programs, reading pretty much any article that talks about weight-loss, and talking to family and friends who are knowledgeable regarding matters of health and such. I will do my best to link sources to back up things that I post, but in the end, this is my blog, and my opinions – what may work for me may not work for you, and vice versa.
2) I'm not on a diet – this is a Weight-Loss Adventure. I'll sometimes refer to it as a Lifestyle Change, or “getting healthy” or some other variant, but let me be clear – diets, at least for me, will not work. "Diet" indicates that you're restricting yourself to some degree, and isn't a series of positive life changes that can be maintained over time. That's why diets fail. Also, I feel that I should mention that I'm doing this by eating full-fat foods, nothing labeled "diet" or "lite" or "low-fat," etc. If you're trying to get healthy and eating those foods is working for you, awesome! I personally don't want to use those foods, as I have suspicions that they aren't actually helping (or healthy) at all. I'm hoping to address this in a later post.
3) I will endeavor to post about topics other than my Weight-Loss Adventure. I've been told a few times over the past couple of years that I should pursue writing in some form. I'm hoping that this time it'll stick and maybe I'll become a better, more complete version of myself as I continue to write my thoughts out and take a look at what makes me tick.
4) A small part of me is blogging while I get back in shape in order to keep myself accountable. If you notice that I haven't posted for awhile (and I haven't given a reason – life will get in the way sometimes!) please feel free to get in touch with me somehow. My plan is that I'll stay motivated and keep moving on, even when things get tough, but I'm sure we all know that there are times when throwing in the towel seems like the only option.
Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I've written a lot of these first posts about a month before you're seeing them. I read somewhere that when you start a blog it's a good idea to have some posts ready to go to get you started. I also figured that after 4 weeks of making an effort, that I'm obviously serious this time. You'll notice if you scroll through my previous posts that I've attempted this before....and it clearly went nowhere. I wanted this attempt to take hold, and THEN I'd start being open about it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm frustrated. I'm happy. I'm embarking on an adventure that will change my life in a positive way, maybe even people around me, too. It's going to take awhile, but I know I can do this.
I've taken the first step. Now I just have to keep walking forward.
Here I go!
Jenn
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
Happy New Year!!
I can’t quite explain it – even though January 1 marks the start of a new year, I always feel like September is the real start of a new 12-month cycle. That may be because I spent 12.5 years going to school (well, 15.5 if you count preschool to SK, and 17.5 if you count college as well), so September was a time of a new classroom, new books, new teachers, new classmates (sometimes), new binders, new pencil crayons (Laurentien for the win!!)… Granted, there are a lot of other people that went to school for at least 12 years (that half-year was me doing OAC), but they may feel their “New Year” starts on January 1 or some other date. Maybe those people didn’t enjoy school like I did, maybe I’m crazy.
It could also be because I love love LOVE Autumn. Like, I made sure the apartment was ready with Autumn-y decorations for September 1 this year. Who DOESN’T want the year to start with their fave season?!?! (Man, if there is a land where Autumn is year-round, I AM THERE.)
Moving on – why am I going on about New Years in September? Well, about a week or so ago, Jim won this ab-electronic-pulse-y thing for ordering something online. He and I have been saying for months now, “Ok, THIS week we start eating healthy!” and then come Friday we’re eating WAAAY too much pizza/wings/Chinese and hating ourselves. Well, maybe not THAT extreme, but you know, that feeling when you were starving like 45 minutes ago and now you cannot WAIT for your food baby to get out of you.
So, he wins this thing, and inside the box is this Diet Plan. Now, I am NOT some expert about healthy eating, but I have done Weight Watchers twice (it’s a good plan, I just cannot commit or afford it), worked at Herbal Magic, and I read articles about diet, food, healthy stuff, etc. At the least, I have a basic knowledge of being healthy. I honestly believe that you should NEVER be on a diet – as in, an eating plan that restricts what you eat, doesn’t allow certain foods, etc. Sure, yeah, they work, but what happens when you have to go to a function, or you just couldn’t make your lunch the night before, or you go away on a vacation for any length of time? You either feel miserable as you say “No, thank you” to your fave foods, you sneak a few things but totally feel guilty, or you straight up overindulge and feel even worse.
I read through the plan, and it’s not BAD, per se – just kinda repetitive and well, not a WHOLE lot of variety. HOWEVER – since I’ve sadly reached a point where I can TRY to eat healthy but I get distracted because I don’t have a plan set out, this is actually my best bet for now. Am I going to follow it to a T? Uhhhh…no. For example, lunch today was 1 cup cooked high-fibre pasta, 1 cup cooked spinach, and 2 tbsp grated Parmesan cheese. You have snacks through the day, and are encouraged to drink your water, but that is lunch.
Now, I like all of those ingredients, and I was excited to have it. I made it last night, had it all ready to go today…and eating it was not great. Blech. If I’m gonna stick with this, I am gonna have to make some changes to these dishes!!
So, I jumped online, and did a quick search for healthy and tasty ways to cook spinach. So far, the most promising option would be to sautee it with a little olive oil and minced garlic (or, failing that, a pinch of garlic salt or powder). I can handle a pasta dish without tomato sauce that also doesn’t have, like, margarine melted into it (because that’s how I would have made that meal myself). Or copious amounts of cheese. But a dish without flavor is something I know is a one-way ticket to “Screw This Diet-sville.”
Yes, there is also the whole discussion around the word “diet.” While I don’t exactly have a bustling social life, I do still have a life. I’m 30 – I want to spend some Saturday nights going to a bar, I want to go to the movies, I want to indulge in the delicious foods that basically are reserved for the last 4 months of the year (Thanksgiving, Hallowe’en, Christmas, hello!?). The idea that “Cheat Days” are becoming more…accepted (?) is a step forward, I think. So, maybe I’ll use the Weight Watchers term in place of “diet” – “Lifestyle Change.” Or something similar.
Either way, this looks like this is really it. I’m finally taking the first steps to becoming healthy again…to becoming ME again. I’ve spent the last year or so completely ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. I got married at a higher weight than what I wanted, but I figured, “No big deal, once the Newlywed dust settles, I’ll get back in shape!” That never happened, and I ballooned to an extra 30 or 40 pounds. I’m entirely self-conscious, and I actually find myself not taking part in activities I used to love, simply because I am so unhappy about what I think I look like to others. Jim has been nothing but supportive and tells me I’m so beautiful to him, but it’s hard to believe that when you look in the mirror/look at pictures on Facebook and hate what you see, and you don’t even recognize yourself.
So, no more excuses, it’s time to do this for yourself first and foremost, and hopefully do this for your future family. Become your own hero. Do it because you miss dancing. Do it because you miss shopping without always needing to try on the clothes. Do it because your husband deserves to have a smokin’ hottie on his arm. Do it because – let’s be honest – you have a ton of costume ideas, Hallowe’en or Fan Expo, that you wanna rock at some point. Or, at least wear a clever shirt about it.
Wish me luck!!!
It could also be because I love love LOVE Autumn. Like, I made sure the apartment was ready with Autumn-y decorations for September 1 this year. Who DOESN’T want the year to start with their fave season?!?! (Man, if there is a land where Autumn is year-round, I AM THERE.)
Moving on – why am I going on about New Years in September? Well, about a week or so ago, Jim won this ab-electronic-pulse-y thing for ordering something online. He and I have been saying for months now, “Ok, THIS week we start eating healthy!” and then come Friday we’re eating WAAAY too much pizza/wings/Chinese and hating ourselves. Well, maybe not THAT extreme, but you know, that feeling when you were starving like 45 minutes ago and now you cannot WAIT for your food baby to get out of you.
So, he wins this thing, and inside the box is this Diet Plan. Now, I am NOT some expert about healthy eating, but I have done Weight Watchers twice (it’s a good plan, I just cannot commit or afford it), worked at Herbal Magic, and I read articles about diet, food, healthy stuff, etc. At the least, I have a basic knowledge of being healthy. I honestly believe that you should NEVER be on a diet – as in, an eating plan that restricts what you eat, doesn’t allow certain foods, etc. Sure, yeah, they work, but what happens when you have to go to a function, or you just couldn’t make your lunch the night before, or you go away on a vacation for any length of time? You either feel miserable as you say “No, thank you” to your fave foods, you sneak a few things but totally feel guilty, or you straight up overindulge and feel even worse.
I read through the plan, and it’s not BAD, per se – just kinda repetitive and well, not a WHOLE lot of variety. HOWEVER – since I’ve sadly reached a point where I can TRY to eat healthy but I get distracted because I don’t have a plan set out, this is actually my best bet for now. Am I going to follow it to a T? Uhhhh…no. For example, lunch today was 1 cup cooked high-fibre pasta, 1 cup cooked spinach, and 2 tbsp grated Parmesan cheese. You have snacks through the day, and are encouraged to drink your water, but that is lunch.
Now, I like all of those ingredients, and I was excited to have it. I made it last night, had it all ready to go today…and eating it was not great. Blech. If I’m gonna stick with this, I am gonna have to make some changes to these dishes!!
So, I jumped online, and did a quick search for healthy and tasty ways to cook spinach. So far, the most promising option would be to sautee it with a little olive oil and minced garlic (or, failing that, a pinch of garlic salt or powder). I can handle a pasta dish without tomato sauce that also doesn’t have, like, margarine melted into it (because that’s how I would have made that meal myself). Or copious amounts of cheese. But a dish without flavor is something I know is a one-way ticket to “Screw This Diet-sville.”
Yes, there is also the whole discussion around the word “diet.” While I don’t exactly have a bustling social life, I do still have a life. I’m 30 – I want to spend some Saturday nights going to a bar, I want to go to the movies, I want to indulge in the delicious foods that basically are reserved for the last 4 months of the year (Thanksgiving, Hallowe’en, Christmas, hello!?). The idea that “Cheat Days” are becoming more…accepted (?) is a step forward, I think. So, maybe I’ll use the Weight Watchers term in place of “diet” – “Lifestyle Change.” Or something similar.
Either way, this looks like this is really it. I’m finally taking the first steps to becoming healthy again…to becoming ME again. I’ve spent the last year or so completely ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. I got married at a higher weight than what I wanted, but I figured, “No big deal, once the Newlywed dust settles, I’ll get back in shape!” That never happened, and I ballooned to an extra 30 or 40 pounds. I’m entirely self-conscious, and I actually find myself not taking part in activities I used to love, simply because I am so unhappy about what I think I look like to others. Jim has been nothing but supportive and tells me I’m so beautiful to him, but it’s hard to believe that when you look in the mirror/look at pictures on Facebook and hate what you see, and you don’t even recognize yourself.
 |
| Age 24-ish to Age 30 |
Wish me luck!!!
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