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I’m not 100% sure when my Epiphany Moment (or, for fans of Scrubs, the moment when things made sense as I sat on the Epiphany Toilet) happened, even though it was within the last 2 weeks. If I remember, I will certainly let you know!
I can definitely tell you that last Friday, while watching my friends band compete in Indie Week, I knew that I was ready for this. (I’ll come back to this point later, since it does help in the tale I’m about to tell.)
I have spent the last…probably 2.5 years driving myself and my husband nuts. I guess a brief synopsis of the situation would be helpful:
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| "Haaawwwt!" |
Anyhoo, yeah, check me out!! Now, maybe some angles are at work, the lighting was just right, but come on – that’s some hotness going on right there. I’m healthy, happy, and unstoppable, like a T-Rex with grabby claw-hand thingys.
So yeah, met my future husband that night – his first comment to me was how beautiful I was, d’awww – and fast forward a little over 4 years to when he and I finally tied the knot:
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| "Yeeeaaah, check out my flowers! I'm now a Mrs.!" |
Gorgeous! I’m certainly not at my goal weight, but looking at this picture compared to now, I wish I could go back in time and warn Past Jenn that she needs to get in control of her health and weight right then and there. It’s about to get a lot worse.
How bad? I’m currently at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I run away from the camera when I’m out, and when I’m forced into a picture I make sure to ruin it and just shrug “oops, sorry” and pray it never gets on Facebook. Then, because I’m nuts, I whine about how I don’t have pictures on Facebook. When I feel pretty enough for a selfie, I also feel grossly vain and obvious in my attempts to get a Social Media Confidence Boost, and I delete the picture. I hate any woman with confidence, doubled if they have a body I covet (yes, this includes women I love dearly). My husband is at his wits end telling me how beautiful and sexy I still am to him – I’m not sure if I just outright reject that entire idea, or if I believe him but I can’t believe it myself. I get winded doing the most basic things, and heaven help me if I’m anywhere that isn’t Arctic cold – going to a bar, for example, means that any makeup or hair I worked hard on will look like crap within 45 minutes, and I’ll hate myself the rest of the night. I avoid posting pictures that glorify fatty, unhealthy foods, or posting a status about foodstuffs for fear that other people are thinking, “Well, duh, of course she loves that food – she’s a tub!”
I’ve done Weight Watchers twice, and I actually worked at Herbal Magic for a while. I have a decent knowledge of the basics of healthy eating and all that jazz. Things should not have gotten so out of control for me – but they did. I can blame no one but myself – I certainly had multiple stressors that did not help, but in the end I am responsible for what I eat, how active I am, and how I feel about myself.
So, back to last Friday, watching the band play. Going out is already a chore for me, since very little fits and/or looks good on me (in my mind at least. Maybe I really am rocking those jeans, I dunno). I’m weirdly already kind of grumpy about …I don’t even know what. I think I was cross with my husband over something stupid, and I just didn’t feel like going out. Got to the bar, said our hellos, and made chit-chat with our friends that were there. The band takes the stage – 2 girls, 2 guys – and while I’m having a good time listening to them, I’m quietly being envious of the 2 girls for being themselves – gorgeous and confident. I’m looking around the room, also with jealousy at girls that can wear cute outfits and take selfies with people and know they’ll look great.
However, while I’m having my usual Body Hate Fest, I’m also vaguely aware that a little part of me is like, “It’s ok, because from now on you’re going to do something about it.” I can’t really explain it, it was just something I felt.
I got home and pretty much passed out right away (exhaustion and alcohol are great for the Instant Fall Asleep Method), and when I woke up the next morning, I knew that I was heading out to start a new chapter of my life.
Since I had found a few meals online that were low-cal, I made up a list of groceries that would set the base for the meals I was going to be making, and added a few organizational items to keep things well, organized.
I got back home to find Jim still asleep, which was fine. I set to work getting things put away and starting the organizational process (the main acquisition in Organizational Wares was a whiteboard calendar to keep our schedules clear, as our lives suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere got busy). I put away the groceries, and prepared a meal plan for the week ahead.
This would be it. I'm finally, FINALLY doing it.
Over the coming months, I hope you'll join me, either by reading these posts, or heck, maybe you're looking to get healthy, too. I guess I'll set a few...”ground rules” for lack of a better term:
1) I'm NOT a registered, certified, for-realsies medical person. My knowledge comes from years of trying out weight-loss programs, reading pretty much any article that talks about weight-loss, and talking to family and friends who are knowledgeable regarding matters of health and such. I will do my best to link sources to back up things that I post, but in the end, this is my blog, and my opinions – what may work for me may not work for you, and vice versa.
2) I'm not on a diet – this is a Weight-Loss Adventure. I'll sometimes refer to it as a Lifestyle Change, or “getting healthy” or some other variant, but let me be clear – diets, at least for me, will not work. "Diet" indicates that you're restricting yourself to some degree, and isn't a series of positive life changes that can be maintained over time. That's why diets fail. Also, I feel that I should mention that I'm doing this by eating full-fat foods, nothing labeled "diet" or "lite" or "low-fat," etc. If you're trying to get healthy and eating those foods is working for you, awesome! I personally don't want to use those foods, as I have suspicions that they aren't actually helping (or healthy) at all. I'm hoping to address this in a later post.
3) I will endeavor to post about topics other than my Weight-Loss Adventure. I've been told a few times over the past couple of years that I should pursue writing in some form. I'm hoping that this time it'll stick and maybe I'll become a better, more complete version of myself as I continue to write my thoughts out and take a look at what makes me tick.
4) A small part of me is blogging while I get back in shape in order to keep myself accountable. If you notice that I haven't posted for awhile (and I haven't given a reason – life will get in the way sometimes!) please feel free to get in touch with me somehow. My plan is that I'll stay motivated and keep moving on, even when things get tough, but I'm sure we all know that there are times when throwing in the towel seems like the only option.
Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I've written a lot of these first posts about a month before you're seeing them. I read somewhere that when you start a blog it's a good idea to have some posts ready to go to get you started. I also figured that after 4 weeks of making an effort, that I'm obviously serious this time. You'll notice if you scroll through my previous posts that I've attempted this before....and it clearly went nowhere. I wanted this attempt to take hold, and THEN I'd start being open about it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm frustrated. I'm happy. I'm embarking on an adventure that will change my life in a positive way, maybe even people around me, too. It's going to take awhile, but I know I can do this.
I've taken the first step. Now I just have to keep walking forward.
Here I go!
Jenn
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