A Letter From My Blanket Fort

I'm sitting here, trying to think of what to write, and I'm entirely lost. I don't really have any groundbreaking realizations to share, nor do I have any interesting stories to share. I guess maybe I'll give a synopsis of the past few weeks (seeing as all my previous post haven't been "live" - this is the first one that will be written within the same week it's posted).

I've lost nearly 10 pounds since I started, so that's a definite positive, especially considering at times I'm not giving 100% of an effort. That's not me giving up or not caring - I'm still determined and (usually) motivated - I sometimes come home on a Friday night, and just...no. Everyone shut up, I'm home, I survived another week, so I am eating this. At least I can tell that my thinking towards food is changing - if I get lazy with my tracking, I'll try and estimate as best as I can, and start to use body cues to see if I'm really hungry or just bored/emotional, etc. I also will sometimes go a little overboard with things, but I'll usually feel like crap if I go too far, so it's like a reinforcement of why not going crazy with the cheese is in my best interest. Baby steps towards eating to live, not living to eat!

I'm not entirely comfortable (yet...) baring my soul on my blog, but I feel giving a little glimpse of it might help ...who? Maybe me, maybe you if you're following this. I guess being a bit more personally open will inform the last few weeks.

This has not been a great year, for many reasons. I'm still shocked that one day my mind, body, and soul got motivated enough to put this Weight-Loss Adventure in motion. Doing something for myself seemed pretty far-fetched, but here I am.

2015 has gotten, in my mind, steadily worse, and 2016 does not look promising at this point either. While some moments were bright spots, overall it's been exceedingly stressful, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I have no control over anything anymore, I'm just a leaf in a river that's being hurtled towards a raging waterfall.

I won't lie, a week ago my effort with this Weight-Loss Adventure was probably about 30%. I was still prepping my breakfast and lunch each day, but if I decided to eat something extra, I just didn't care. A lot of this - probably most, actually - stemmed from extreme stress about my work. By and large, my job should not be stressful on a daily basis - I'm pretty fortunate that way. However, I'll be honest - there are people at my job that stress me out so badly that I sometimes lay in bed in the morning and say, "Why bother?" Defeatist, yes, but I've never had to deal with these situations...well, people before. I'm a very passive-aggressive person, brought up in a, well, WASP-y environment (which is not me complaining, it's a fact). I have a really hard time expressing myself, or standing up for myself, especially to authority figures or strong personalities. I have a bad habit of letting grievances fester deep within, and eventually they explode because I basically snap over something small - EVERYTHING comes pouring out.

"Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an approprate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. 'member that? When Daddy hit the referee?"

Not only do I feel alone in a metaphorical sense, I'm also alone at work literally in a physical sense. I became close to the Controller there, and she provided a lot of guidance and help in difficult situations for the last 2 years. However, she finally had enough, for many reasons, and gave her notice - her last day was last Friday, and during this week it's felt really different, at least to me.

It's not ALL bad - things are improving a little bit at work, which is nice. Maybe I can get a handle on things before something else happens...

Personally, life has not been wonderful. Jim and I have been together for 7 years, married for just over 3, and it is hard work, people. We're dealing with challenges coming our way as best as we can, but I honestly sometimes wonder why - why is this happening to us? Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and he loves me, and we're going through this as a team, but yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed Jenn usually resorts to food and watching The O.C., curled up on the couch, wallowing in misery.

And, to top it all off, all this stress and negativity has resulted in me just...not really caring that it's my favourite time of year. Normally I am playing Christmas songs 24/7, turning on the Christmas lights, and watching my holiday movies, but this year NONE of that appeals to me. At all.



I really wish I knew where this post was going. I'm torn between scrapping it or saving it to continue later, or try to wrap it up and publish it today.

Publishing today keeps wining out.

I mentioned to Jim how funny it was that I posted last week about how to deal with stress, and all last week I was just a big o' ball of it! I'm sorry this entry is a little heavy and negative (and short), but I felt like I HAD to post it. I explained to Jim this way:

"Lately life has literally been pooping on me everywhere, and I'm standing here going, 'Ok! Fine! If you want to do this, I'll be in my Blanket Fort, waiting for you to finish!' If I don't post this, I'll feel like my Weight-Loss Adventure posts are just done when things are happy and going well, which isn't real life. Sometimes life really sucks, but I'm still trying my best at this."

Maybe that's the take-away this week? I'm putting it out there, in black and white, that yes, my life is somewhat in shambles (at least to me), I'm almost always constantly stressed, and I am finding very few reasons to be truly happy, but I am still trying. I'm not rolling over and just accepting my fate as an overweight and unhealthy person because it's easier - no, damnit! I'm gonna fight for this because I am still worth it and I need to do this!!

To end on a positive note, I received two compliments/encouragements this week when I talked about my Weight-Loss Adventure - one from my Mum, who said she was proud of me for keeping on with it, and another from a friend at work when, after I explained why I was politely refusing treats, gave me a fist pump and said he's trying to quit smoking, so he totally understands saying "No, thank you!" to something I don't need.

As long as I don't give up on this, I know that I will get strong again to not give up on other things in my life.

Still Fighting For What's Worth It,

Jenn

Origin Story...Sorta...

Alrighty, this should be the last post that I wrote a month ago! Next week I'll start posting weekly updates, probably during the weekend. I hope you've been enjoying this Adventure so far!

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I started writing this post on a Monday when I got super-stressed at work, and felt like I could calm down with a Red Bull and a Coffee Crisp (I was also drowsy, but mostly angry).  I stared at my choices, knowing full well what I was doing: Dealing with a problem by eating. I still ate the Coffee Crisp and drank the Red Bull, but I knew that I was going to have to start working on myself to try and find different, healthier ways to deal with stress.

This led my mind down a rabbit hole, finally winding up at “Where did this all start?” I then started writing out my “Origin Story” (neeeerrrd!!!) but after 3 pages and counting in Word, I realized that I maybe lost a bit of focus. So, I’m re-working this post, hopefully I can finally convey my first thought…

I’ve always struggled with my weight. An overall reason for that is that I friggin’ LOVE food. Food is sometimes the only thing I’m looking forward to in a day. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you maintain the thinking of “I eat to live, I don’t live to eat.” I’ve mentioned previously how I’ve done Weight Watchers twice, I’ve worked at Herbal Magic (I didn’t use the products for weight loss, I was already slim so I just had to eat a modified plan from them), and I’ve grown up with “diet,” “low-cal,” and “fat-free” choices readily available while growing up.

Instead of giving a detailed account of my life growing up (which somewhat informs the “Where did this all start?” question, but in a different way – that’ll be another post), I’m going to start at the point where I met my husband, Jim.

I’ve already posted a picture from the night I met Jim (see the hotness here). I’m healthy, happy, and let’s be honest, haaawwwt. So, that’s what we’re working with – that version of Jenn came about after a few ups and downs with weight, one try at Weight Watchers, employment at Herbal Magic, and I’d finally kinda reached a good point.

Since I was working nights and weekends at my work, I didn’t have a lot of time to see Jim, especially since he lived 3 hours away and didn’t have a vehicle. The times that we DID see each other, we wanted to maximize our time and money together, so one of the ways we did that was eating fast food, or anything that was quick and easy.

Since Jim is blessed with that higher metabolism thing that men have compared to women (or whatever) he was able to order things like a Baconator combo, plus another sandwich on top of that. Slowly but surely as time wore on, my orders started to resemble his – not only was I getting a combo meal, I was getting one or two “snack” items off the menus.

It’s at this point that my Adult Life starts to happen – I’ve got a full-time job, a serious boyfriend, and I’m in my mid-twenties.  I’m living at home, so I have disposable income, but you start to take things more seriously and think long-term. As in, you start to stress about things you never used to before.

So, I would guess around this point is when food became a major source of comfort – being 3 hours away from my man, personal stresses, and some work stress (oh, man, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone…I miss that place) and gradually my weight started climbing up.

via GIPHY

Roughly two years into my relationship with Jim I realized that I needed to do something. I joined Weight Watchers for the second time, and nearly cried as I stepped on the scale and saw my heaviest (at that point) weight displayed. Thank goodness the lady who was signing me up was so kind and patient, reminding me that this is the start of a change, and I’d never be that heavy again.

For a while I was doing pretty well, losing weight safely, sometimes having weeks where I’d gain, but overall I got down I think around 50 pounds. People started noticing, I was getting my confidence back, I figured this would be it.

Jim and I got engaged, and a few months before the wedding I stopped going to Weight Watchers. I wasn’t focused as much on it, and we needed every single penny we could get for the wedding. By the time I walked down the aisle, I had gained back a bit of weight, but looking back now I would give anything to be at that point.

We both did the whole “Newlywed Weight Gain” thing, and kept saying, “Ok, THIS week we get healthy.” Again, had I’d known what was ahead, I would have done a lot more to prevent what was about to happen, or at least get it under control in some way.

I’m trying to think of a way to describe what started the chain reaction, but honestly there is one word that works most perfectly for it: stress. Plain and simple. The honeymoon phase is over, now it’s time to really start working on things. Marriage is not easy. Getting a new job is not easy. Moving is not easy. I had to do all three within a few weeks.

It’s very possible that I fell into something of a depression shortly after the dust settled from the wedding, moving, and starting a new job (which, thankfully, was the same job I was doing in my hometown – my boss knew another boss in my new city who needed someone with my skills, so at least all I had to learn was how to get there, how to use a different system, and the names of my new coworkers). However, I can’t say for certain that it was depression or not, as I never went to a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist.

I’m usually described as a happy person, but I can be really negative or pessimistic, especially if I start to get stressed out. This is the first time I’ve ever not lived under my parents roof, so there’s that feeling of being kind of alone and unsure. I definitely started turning to food as my comfort for when things got rough or stressful. I’d also gorge and binge watch my fave shows if Jim was out for the evening. No regrets – I could (still can…to a point) slam a whole medium pizza, plus one of those pre-made salads from grocery stores, PLUS maybe some kind of dessert, although usually that was something smaller, just a little something sweet to end off my ginormous meal for one.

I would eat until I could barely move off the couch, but I would make sure to hide the evidence from Jim. Our lives started getting busy, but not in an active way – work, social or family commitments, and then we’d get home exhausted and veg in front of the TV.

It kind of feels like one day I woke up and looked down and went, “Ummm, when did my stomach get this big?!?!” I was suddenly very aware that I had gained all the weight back that I’d lost, and then some more.

Begin cycle of self-loathing for getting to this point, and eating more to try and kill that feeling.

That’s basically what led me to this point in my life.

Do I blame anyone else? No. This is all me. Jim has tried his best to help me get motivated to lose weight – not because he doesn’t like what he sees anymore, but because it breaks his heart when I talk negatively about myself and don’t believe that I’m still beautiful to him.

Stress is ALWAYS going to be a part of life, no way around it. The trick is (apparently) to not let it take over and dictate your actions. Or, rather, be an excuse for destructive actions.

So, I’ve been thinking this week about ways to prevent me from just losing my cool and reaching for something sugary or fatty or cheesy or gooey…ok, sorry, I got distracted. Whatever I was talking about sounded delicious…

The first thing I did Tuesday morning while packing my lunch was throw in a chocolate pudding cup. I wasn’t intending on eating it during the day – I was keeping it there in case I had a moment of frustration at work and needed to chill out a bit. All week long there has been a pudding cup in my lunch bag. I haven’t needed to eat it this week.

You’re thinking, “Jenn, that seems counter-productive. You’re trying to think of ways to deal with stress that don’t involve food!”

Right, and in theory it does seem counter-productive. BUT, here’s the thing – those chocolate pudding cups are portion controlled, only a little over 100 calories, about 3 grams of fat, depending on the flavour or brand. That Coffee Crisp I ate had something like 13 grams of fat! Maybe I’ll also keep a stash of mini chocolate bars in my workspaces – not easily accessible, and limit myself to something like 2. The next time I’m annoyed at work and need a breather, I can take 5 minutes to myself, enjoy a treat that won’t sabotage my Weight-Loss Adventure, and then get back to work.

I don’t exercise (yet, I’m getting there!), so yoga isn’t something I’m doing right now. I do like to talk or vent, but sometimes that isn’t an option.  I could probably try some breathing exercises, maybe a short meditation? If possible, take a walk around for a few minutes. My one workspace is better suited for listening to my iPod, but if I get frustrated at my other store, I could just pop in my earbuds (well, one, I still need to hear if someone is calling for me) and listen to my tunes. At home I need to also prepare for those moments when stress hits. A lot of the same ideas from work can be implemented at home, but I also have the added temptation of a fully-stocked kitchen instead of just my lunch bag. So, any snacks that aren’t pre-portioned are immediately put into a snack-sized bag

The other side of stress prevention/reduction is to not let things get to me so much. Easier said than done, and I’m pretty sure that you already know that, too!

I guess whoever coined the phrase “Lifestyle Change” to use in lieu of “diet” was really on to something. When you start to work on losing weight you first focus on switching to healthier options and portions for the majority of your meals (I say “majority” because legit, I ain’t giving up the occasional night out or grabbing a quick bite somewhere because of time constraints/I’m exhausted, whatever). Once you start to get comfortable with basic meal planning, organizing, etc, you start to see patterns of negative ways you used to approach or use food. If you’re able to anticipate those moments or plan ahead for them, your Lifestyle Change is going to be much more successful in the long run.

I guess I’ve gone on long enough for this post. I should probably spend some time doing research on ways to keep stress to a minimum and setting those plans in motion. One of my solutions for work is to hide under my desk from people – not all day, just when I need to, until the frustration…or rage…passes. It might not be the most “adult” solution, but let’s be honest: how many of us have wanted to do something like that? Not only does it help you calm down, it keeps you somewhere safe so you don’t act upon your emotions in a way that lands you in HR.

via GIPHY

Note to self - bring blankets and pillows to work for storage, eventual construction of Desk-Blanket-Pillow Fort.

Signing Off From Under My Desk, Enjoying A Pudding Cup, and Staying Calm,

Jenn