I've lost nearly 10 pounds since I started, so that's a definite positive, especially considering at times I'm not giving 100% of an effort. That's not me giving up or not caring - I'm still determined and (usually) motivated - I sometimes come home on a Friday night, and just...no. Everyone shut up, I'm home, I survived another week, so I am eating this. At least I can tell that my thinking towards food is changing - if I get lazy with my tracking, I'll try and estimate as best as I can, and start to use body cues to see if I'm really hungry or just bored/emotional, etc. I also will sometimes go a little overboard with things, but I'll usually feel like crap if I go too far, so it's like a reinforcement of why not going crazy with the cheese is in my best interest. Baby steps towards eating to live, not living to eat!
I'm not entirely comfortable (yet...) baring my soul on my blog, but I feel giving a little glimpse of it might help ...who? Maybe me, maybe you if you're following this. I guess being a bit more personally open will inform the last few weeks.
This has not been a great year, for many reasons. I'm still shocked that one day my mind, body, and soul got motivated enough to put this Weight-Loss Adventure in motion. Doing something for myself seemed pretty far-fetched, but here I am.
2015 has gotten, in my mind, steadily worse, and 2016 does not look promising at this point either. While some moments were bright spots, overall it's been exceedingly stressful, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I have no control over anything anymore, I'm just a leaf in a river that's being hurtled towards a raging waterfall.
I won't lie, a week ago my effort with this Weight-Loss Adventure was probably about 30%. I was still prepping my breakfast and lunch each day, but if I decided to eat something extra, I just didn't care. A lot of this - probably most, actually - stemmed from extreme stress about my work. By and large, my job should not be stressful on a daily basis - I'm pretty fortunate that way. However, I'll be honest - there are people at my job that stress me out so badly that I sometimes lay in bed in the morning and say, "Why bother?" Defeatist, yes, but I've never had to deal with these situations...well, people before. I'm a very passive-aggressive person, brought up in a, well, WASP-y environment (which is not me complaining, it's a fact). I have a really hard time expressing myself, or standing up for myself, especially to authority figures or strong personalities. I have a bad habit of letting grievances fester deep within, and eventually they explode because I basically snap over something small - EVERYTHING comes pouring out.
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| "Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an approprate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. 'member that? When Daddy hit the referee?" |
It's not ALL bad - things are improving a little bit at work, which is nice. Maybe I can get a handle on things before something else happens...
Personally, life has not been wonderful. Jim and I have been together for 7 years, married for just over 3, and it is hard work, people. We're dealing with challenges coming our way as best as we can, but I honestly sometimes wonder why - why is this happening to us? Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and he loves me, and we're going through this as a team, but yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed Jenn usually resorts to food and watching The O.C., curled up on the couch, wallowing in misery.
And, to top it all off, all this stress and negativity has resulted in me just...not really caring that it's my favourite time of year. Normally I am playing Christmas songs 24/7, turning on the Christmas lights, and watching my holiday movies, but this year NONE of that appeals to me. At all.
I really wish I knew where this post was going. I'm torn between scrapping it or saving it to continue later, or try to wrap it up and publish it today.
Publishing today keeps wining out.
I mentioned to Jim how funny it was that I posted last week about how to deal with stress, and all last week I was just a big o' ball of it! I'm sorry this entry is a little heavy and negative (and short), but I felt like I HAD to post it. I explained to Jim this way:
"Lately life has literally been pooping on me everywhere, and I'm standing here going, 'Ok! Fine! If you want to do this, I'll be in my Blanket Fort, waiting for you to finish!' If I don't post this, I'll feel like my Weight-Loss Adventure posts are just done when things are happy and going well, which isn't real life. Sometimes life really sucks, but I'm still trying my best at this."
Maybe that's the take-away this week? I'm putting it out there, in black and white, that yes, my life is somewhat in shambles (at least to me), I'm almost always constantly stressed, and I am finding very few reasons to be truly happy, but I am still trying. I'm not rolling over and just accepting my fate as an overweight and unhealthy person because it's easier - no, damnit! I'm gonna fight for this because I am still worth it and I need to do this!!
To end on a positive note, I received two compliments/encouragements this week when I talked about my Weight-Loss Adventure - one from my Mum, who said she was proud of me for keeping on with it, and another from a friend at work when, after I explained why I was politely refusing treats, gave me a fist pump and said he's trying to quit smoking, so he totally understands saying "No, thank you!" to something I don't need.
As long as I don't give up on this, I know that I will get strong again to not give up on other things in my life.
Still Fighting For What's Worth It,
Jenn
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